when is it enough
Career, health, relationships, money, love. These are all things that many of us strive towards. We improve ourselves in the hopes of achieving these things someday, whether it be spending time reading books, going to the gym, going out for dates, and so on.
But there comes a point where you might have achieved some of these things and you think to yourself, "What's the point?" or "What's my next goal?". Trading time and life in return for these efforts might be a worthwhile pursuit, but what is the true end goal? Going from target to target, constantly challenging ourselves and never resting.
When will it be finally enough? Is it when you reach a certain number of dollars in your bank account? Or maybe when you lift a certain amount of weight in the gym? Or maybe it's when you get married and have kids? When is it enough that you will be happy or content? Perhaps there is no inherent meaning in life, but rather it's what you make of it with purpose.
In my own experience, I have been improving myself through developing good habits and diving deep into the productivity rabbit hole. This came in the form of studying Japanese every day, going to the gym more consistently, and trying to read more books, among other things. I've been able to keep these habits going for long enough for them to turn into hobbies or things that I have to do from day to day.
However, almost 2 years on, I don't think I've felt less satisfied with my efforts than right now. I still can't speak fluent Japanese, my numbers in the gym are just average, and I don't feel any smarter after reading books. I started these habits because I thought they would be 'good' for me. That I would become wiser, more learned, and more physically adept.
Nowadays, I find myself getting less and less satisfied with my own efforts and find myself wanting to do more and more, all for the sake of becoming 'better'. I push myself to pick up more hobbies and do more 'productive' things, then blame myself when I can't muster enough energy to do those things. The thing is that I know doing these things are good for me in some way, but I can't seem to feel happy or content with myself.
I feel that there is a very fine line between healthy self improvement and an obsession with becoming 'better' at all costs. And that it is very easy to cross into the territory of the hedonic treadmill. In saying that, compared to my past self when I wasn't doing all these things, relatively speaking I am in a much better spot mentally and physically.
Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something in all this. Am I lacking purpose? What is the end goal? Why am I not spending time on something else? All these questions I ask myself don't help with providing a sense of contentment. It's like I have a checklist of things I want to do in my life, but now I'm stopping to ask why am I checking these items off in the first place? What will happen when I finish the checklist? Will I be happy then?
I feel like I should already know the answer, that happiness comes from within and that it's all a matter of perspective and that no amount of external work and validation can make you feel better. But even though I agree with all these common sayings, it doesn't mean that I can easily internalise or accept them.
As you can probably tell, I'm a bit of an over-thinker. I constantly ask myself these big, over-arching questions that no single person can answer. I guess the best thing to do now is to take one step at a time.